Social networking sites have provided this uncanny outlet for allowing millions of us common folk the ability to cram our feet into our mouths by saying things we’d rarely, if never, say to strangers on the street.  We all do it.  Sure, you might lie to yourself by proclaiming: “There ain’t nothing I’d say on Facebook that I wouldn’t say to yer face, buddy!!!”  Yeah, tough guy?  Got enough exclamation points there, jerkface?!  Well, I don’t believe ya…  Now have a ginger snap cookie and shut your lying facehole.

Oh, wait… here I am…

These networks have openly contributed to my false sense of confidence as well.  Now I’m no longer the snotty-nosed nerd of yesteryear with no point to prove or soapbox to nail myself to.  If it weren’t for these hide-behind-the-curtain outlets to voice opinions I’d most likely keep them to myself and my imaginary friend, Gordon Humpenstink, just as I did before this became the viral behemoth it is today.  But here I am, whipping up miscellaneous concoctions of words to form silly 160 character status updates, 1-3 times a day, as I phish for witty retorts from the usual suspects in my network.  The playful banter is oh-so-addicting.

We all do it (well, not with Gordon we don’t, sicko).  We plug in, sign on, and give it our best shot at being profound, random, thoughtful, spiteful, funny, and/or pissed-off.  We talk about the weather, or whether we’re going to get the job.  We ask for Mafia members to chop up some virtual punk who keeps putting us in the virtual hospital and then tend to each other’s virtual farms (curse you, cotton crops!!).  We post pictures of our children to people who couldn’t care less but pretend to happy for us, and then we turn around and do the same to them, and then turn around again to post pictures of our drunken debauchery from the party we just woke up from. 

Man, this bathtub feels so cool on my throbbing face.

Are you sick?  Did you puke?  Are you now eating after you got sick & puked?  Did your favorite pop/movie/sports/news/cartoon character die from an overdose of  Methadone & Ketamine today?  Do you absolutely LOVE the thought of Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck doing a porn together?  Yeah?  Awesome!  Whether it be re-quoting a verse of bible scripture that somehow inspired you to share with the class, or reminding us, yet again, that it’s Hump Day/Manic Monday/Get ‘er Done Day, it’s all stuff that most non-Internety types would punch you in the gut for saying in public.  This is an alternate universe where we’re able to pretend to be something slightly more brazen, a tinge nerdier, a smooch more romantic, or more pity-me than what we’d be like otherwise… and we’re all guilty.

But, that’s the Hokey Pokey and that’s what it’s all about.

I personally enjoy this form of communication.  It removes the stress and anxiety out of picking up a phone and calling, only to be stuck chatting for longer than you intended about even more things you have to pretend to care about.  Then you’ve got the often awkward dilemma of how to disengage from the conversation and end the call.  Bah!  Where’s the fun in that?  If I can’t tell you everything in 160 characters, then it must not be important enough…

Get in.  Get out.  Get on with it.  I’ve got some cyber-stalking to attend to.